Homeland Security has advice for confronting mass murders: scissors

Those cynics who claim the Department of Homeland Security is more concerned with expanding government power than with the safety of Americans need to read this handy advice about what to do if a madman attacks your workplace. Step one: Cower. Here's how:

“To protect your hiding place, lock the door if you can. Block the door with heavy furniture,” recommends the male narrator, speaking in measured, authoritative tones.

Other survival strategies promoted in the video include hiding “behind large items such as cabinets or desks. Remain quiet. Silence your cellphone or pager. Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position.”

That's great advice. However, my new cell phone and I do not get along very well. Even when I'm not being fired at by a lunatic with a gun, I have difficulty figuring out how to set my phone to vibrate. No matter what I push, I get the message "You have selected AT&T's Premium Text Messaging Service. A charge of $6,000.29 will appear on your next bill." So I can just imagine myself fumbling with my cell phone while Omar Thornton is stalking the cubicles searching for co-workers to aerate.

The DHS video even provides this tip on how to take a stand against your murderer:

“If you are caught out in the open and cannot conceal yourself or take cover, you might consider trying to overpower the shooter with whatever means are available,” says the narrator in the video, which shows an office worker pulling scissors out of a desk drawer.

Because, obviously, no one would have something as icky and scary as a handgun at work. So behold the weapon of choice of Metrosexual America:

But then, it's just a matter of time until liberals and Neocons start demanding scissor registration. Me, I'm stocking up on these babies. Let Diane Feinstein try and stop me. Molon labe!